The Eye Glasses Conspiracy!

So the other day I went to the optometrist to get my eyes checked so I could then pay an unholy amount of money on some new spectacles (yes, I’m blind as crap).  Everything was going fairly well until it came time to pick out new frames for my gigantic melon.

Here’s where the glasses conspiracy really goes off the rails.  I’m fairly convinced every single girl that helps you pick your new frames is sent over from some Russian supermodel spy agency…..well, except for Ludmilla, age, somewhere in the neighborhood of 87.  I swear she’s there for the more geriatric demographic….she does know how to work the crowd though.   Anyway, I’m fairly weak when it comes to the Russian supermodel spies that work at the optometrist office.  It’s my belief these beauties have an ugly glasses betting pool going on.  Whoever, at the end of each pay period can get some poor dummy (me) to buy the ugliest pair of frames, gets all the money (rubles) to send home to Stalingrad.  They certainly saw their mark when I walked in the door.  These poor Russian supermodel 007 spies I’m sure are secretly working for some Russian oligarch billionaire to uglify America and I was their next unsuspecting victim.

I picked out some frames that looked roughly like what I normally wear and have been wearing for years.  The pretty girl helping me thought that was just fine until she very confidently brought out progressively uglier frames for me to try on, fawning all over herself at how handsome I looked.  Ooooh…..Ahhhh….how these new frames made me look like Brad Pitt, how they complimented the shape of my face…..blah, blah, blah.  I was powerless, they knew it and deep down, I knew it.  The girl helping me clearly saw she was very likely going to make a payment on a new flat in Moscow next month.

Had my grandparents been alive to see the new glasses I chose, they would have kicked my ass and forced upon me an atomic wedgy up to my ears.  There needs to be a congressional hearing into this matter.  Seriously, these are the ugliest glasses ever!  But hey, at least I can see 20/20 and Tatiana can buy a new Ferrari.