To be a human graced with the privilege of having a cat in your life is the highest honor of a persons life. I have been supremely privileged and honored throughout my life as I have been owned by numerous cats. However, having a kitty grace you with their presence comes with it a very important set of tules, standards and practices that MUST be adhered to at all times. Notice, I did not say “Kitty ownership”, we as humans simply do not “own” cats, that’s impossible and highly offensive to our feline friends. Ownership implies that we puny humans make the rules and this could not be further from the truth. You see, it is the cats themselves who own humans. They make the rules by which we humans are allowed to survive. Breaking the rules means that you are very likely to wake up dead one morning…if you’re very lucky. Ignorance of the rules of conduct is no excuse and most if not all cats simply will not tolerate such an egregious breach in conduct…Don’t be stupid people!
What follows next is a list of some of the rules of conduct that we insignificant humans must adhere to in order to keep our kitty friends happy…and that’s what we all want isn’t it? This list is by no means exhaustive and any conscientious human being who enjoys living will look up in their history books “The International Kitty Conclave of 1044 a.d.”. This conclave took place in and around the Verdun region of France in 1044 to codify (catify) a set of rules by which all humans on the planet must follow at all times. Are you ready? No, of course you’re not ready, but we’ll continue anyway.
Rule #1. I cannot stress enough how important and potentially deadly this rule is. You cannot EVER break this rule. Do not under any circumstance make fun of a cats weight. All cats are very, VERY sensitive about their weight. Do not call you kitty fluffy, fat, skinny, rotund or any other descriptive word to describe your kitty. I’m not kidding people! This is rule number one for a reason. If you want to die in a horrible and grotesque manner then go ahead and violate rule number one. I am putting myself in grave and immediate danger just mentioning this rule…you’re welcome.
Rule #5. All cats from birth speak fluent French, it is their first language. Cats do not give a flying shit if you speak French or if you can understand them or not, that is not their problem. It’s your problem…stupid human. It is believed that they chose French during the Conclave of 1044. One more caveat…occasionally cats will speak ancient Egyptian. It is believed this comes from a time when the ancient Egyptians worshipped the cat as a divine being and all cats worldwide are hoping for a return to those glorious days.
Rule #72. If your cat sits in your lap, you are obligated to remain seated for the comfort of your cat until he or she decides your warm comfy lap is now useless and they decide to get up and move. Cats don’t care if you’re uncomfortable or if your legs have gone numb. You are there for the sole purpose of the cats comfort, stop being so selfish.
Rule #17. If a cat tells you they are hungry and you see that their food bowl is full, you are wrong. It is empty you vile human being. Fill it up and do it fast! Also, don’t think you can shake the food around and make that satisfying food in the bowl sound either. Cats are not as stupid as you look and will not be fooled by your feeble attempt at being lazy. FOOD. NOW!
Rule #36. If you buy your cat an expensive gift or toy, all cats will play in the box it came in. This is done to show you who is boss…and it’s not you! You must continue to buy your cat expensive toys to show your appreciation and loyalty.
Rule #59. If you are within an undetermined distance of a cat you are required to pet the cat. There are no exceptions to this rule.
Rule #83. Cat spit is considered a universal solvent and can cure many ails. If your cat drools or slobbers on you it is because they are very happy. You must have done something right for once. You will of course be very honored by such a display of approval. You will however be forbidden from selling the slobber on the black market for your own greedy personal gain. If you are caught (and you will be caught) you will be executed without question.
Rule #8. Talking to your cat is required. If your cat does not respond it is simply because you said something profoundly stupid. The effort is occasionally respected by your kitty.
Rule #44. If your cat bites or scratches you it has been determined you did something wrong and deserve a bloodletting…you’ll most likely die an excruciating death.
Rule #4. Petting a dog in any cats presence is punishable by instant death. There is no excuse for you doing something so offensive. This is punishable by instant death…or maybe a slow, agonizing death, who knows.
Rule #62. If your cat brings you a dead animal into the house it has been determined that you are unable to feed yourself and your cat is trying to help you survive. You should be more thankful you ungrateful wretch! If, however, your cat brings you an animal into the house that is still alive you should be honored because your cat is trying to teach you to hunt. There may be hope for you yet, but it’s unlikely.
Rule #32. Cats can and do predict the future. If your cat beats the shit out of you for no reason at all it is because you did something incredibly stupid…three Saturdays from now.
Rule #13. There is no preferred side of the door for a cat to be on. All sides of the door are considered to be glorious. You, as a human are expected to cater to your cats whim and open the door as many times as is necessary.
Rule #99. Cats are never wrong…EVER! It is humans that are horribly mistaken. This is a very simple rule and is one that is broken by humans often. This leads to much human suffering.
Rule #124. Cats absolutely hate station wagons. They will have less respect for you than normal if you own a station wagon. If you force a cat into a station wagon, you will die…probably in a train/car collision. Cats can make this happen, no one knows how.
Rule #1,245. Some cats love to play with, unroll, shred and generally destroy toilet paper rolls. It is one of life’s great pleasures to destroy something you as a human paid good money for. This is especially true during a global pandemic. Toilet paper has now become it’s own currency and if a cat can destroy something you hold dear then they will do it every chance they get. This is to help you become more Zen and to let go of your material possessions so you can focus on loving your cat more.
As I said before this list is by no means exhaustive and you should look up “The International Kitty Conclave of 1044” to study this wondrous document. Ignorance of the rules is not and will not be tolerated. These rules were laid down nearly 1,000 years ago because the cat world got sick and tired of stupid humans offending the rulers of this planet. It is for the safety and well being of all current and future humans that these rules are adhered to at all times. Now, go pet your kitty.